I believe that this discord stems from the battle between the how-I-should-be self and the how-I-actually-am self. For example, my perception is that an empowering person would possess qualities that are peaceful, Zen-like, calm, and reassuring. I do have most of these qualities, but I'm usually asleep when I exhibit them! The fact is, I'm opinionated, strong-willed, and forceful at times. All of which have served me, my family and friends, and my clients, well. But as you can imagine, it conflicted with the image I had of how I should behave. So I had to make a choice. I could decide that these qualities needed to be overcome so I can be perfect, or I could choose to accept these "flaws" as part of who I am and use them to their best advantage. When used wisely, they became my more promising attributes that enabled me to overcome and survive difficult situations and help others to create the life they wanted. Sometimes I don't use them well and they create conflict -- at which point I use my better qualities to resolve the negative situations in which I find myself. They still are what they are -- it's how I choose to use them that determines if they are assets or liabilities

 

How about you? Do you have this image of how you should behave that doesn't quite fit with the person believe you are? If so, you may be wasting a lot of time, thought, and energy into changing something that can actually serve a purpose. Finding the purpose is up to you. Do any of your so-called "liabilities" serve you well? The fact is, you may find that many of those qualities that have frustrated you, have actually helped you achieve what you desired.

 

For example, have you ever been called stubborn? Or is it "persistence" that helped you get through college, land that job, or get that promotion? Do some say you're opinionated? Or is it your "confidence" that has enabled you to follow through on your dreams? Do you consider yourself a "procrastinator"? Or is "taking the time" to make the right decision what has enabled you to get what you truly want?

 

It is what it is until we decide it's something different!

 

Obviously, this doesn't fit all flaws in our character. Being small minded, judgmental, petty, hurtful, lazy, etc. isn't going to serve you well. It is best to recognize these and continue (a life-long quest) to improve in such areas (or simply ignore those neighbors!). These are choices we make daily -- choose to change. But with other so-called character flaws it's different: one person's stubbornness is another's persistence, one person's arrogance is another's confidence, etc. Used wisely they'll move you forward on the path you choose. It is what it is -- until you choose to see it differently and then use it productively! But, that's another battle in itself, isn't it?